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15/11/26 counts as the first day of my pregnancy, I confirmed it on 16/01/18 in the middle of the night.  Couldn’t sleep the rest of that night, both due to the impending trip back home and the obvious excitement over successful impregnation.  I recall a dream from the week prior: a wise knowing older woman I look up to dispelled my doubts then. (“Yes, you are pregnant.” Nod + knowing smile.)  But I didn’t test myself then as I had grown to detest negatives.  Last year’s miscarriage and the series of negative home pregnancy tests did nothing for me.

I was more anxious about going away alone.  I haven’t done that without my husband for a while and I did not know if pregnancy would make it any different.  One gets anxious from hearsay and Google is a horrible place for a paranoid.  Surprisingly it wasn’t so bad.  It wasn’t bad at all.  Long trips are naturally tiring and jet lag is a factor.  I tend to feel ill when I’m tired and do not get to rest.

Naps in the afternoon become a pleasant habit.  I’ve become rather calm and glad to take things easy.  As someone who has difficulty saying no, there is no reason to re-evaluate my interests versus another’s.  I don’t feel bad for asserting myself (this is something that needs fine-tuning: when and how to assert myself).  I consciously (though it is not difficult) maintain a state of calm and neutrality, with a bit of gladness.  There is much tenderness and love at home, it is welcoming.  Sometimes I hum a lullaby before I fall asleep at night, with a hand on my belly tapping gently with my index and middle fingers.

I can’t eat as much as I could before.  Sometimes I know exactly what I will like to eat, about all of what my mum cooks tastes very good.  I haven’t been so lucky eating out.  Like the famous bah cho mee at Tiong Bahru market for lunch today.  I’m glad I do not crave for foods I like but shouldn’t eat, like snacks, sashimi or Indian food or general hawker fare.  I am eating more healthily than I did before.

I don’t really know how I feel.  Mostly in disbelief if not for the two positive tests I did before leaving for Singapore.  (I knew it was necessary for me to take that second one!)  There is no other real, tangible sign.  I have not done an ultrasound scan (as I would prefer to begin my maternal healthcare in Sweden when I return), so I do not have a mental picture or a heartbeat to know for sure.  I must be a firm believer in seeing is believing!  I think life is beautiful and here is one growing inside of me.  I feel unprepared and ready at the same time.

9 weeks this Thursday.  The days are long, relaxing and slow here in Singapore, I have never felt this at ease and content on a trip back home.  I have never looked forward to the end of my holiday as well, but it is different this time.

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