15/11/26 counts as the first day of my pregnancy, I confirmed it on 16/01/18 in the middle of the night. Couldn’t sleep the rest of that night, both due to the impending trip back home and the obvious excitement over successful impregnation. I recall a dream from the week prior: a wise knowing older woman I look up to dispelled my doubts then. (“Yes, you are pregnant.” Nod + knowing smile.) But I didn’t test myself then as I had grown to detest negatives. Last year’s miscarriage and the series of negative home pregnancy tests did nothing for me.
I was more anxious about going away alone. I haven’t done that without my husband for a while and I did not know if pregnancy would make it any different. One gets anxious from hearsay and Google is a horrible place for a paranoid. Surprisingly it wasn’t so bad. It wasn’t bad at all. Long trips are naturally tiring and jet lag is a factor. I tend to feel ill when I’m tired and do not get to rest.
Naps in the afternoon become a pleasant habit. I’ve become rather calm and glad to take things easy. As someone who has difficulty saying no, there is no reason to re-evaluate my interests versus another’s. I don’t feel bad for asserting myself (this is something that needs fine-tuning: when and how to assert myself). I consciously (though it is not difficult) maintain a state of calm and neutrality, with a bit of gladness. There is much tenderness and love at home, it is welcoming. Sometimes I hum a lullaby before I fall asleep at night, with a hand on my belly tapping gently with my index and middle fingers.
I can’t eat as much as I could before. Sometimes I know exactly what I will like to eat, about all of what my mum cooks tastes very good. I haven’t been so lucky eating out. Like the famous bah cho mee at Tiong Bahru market for lunch today. I’m glad I do not crave for foods I like but shouldn’t eat, like snacks, sashimi or Indian food or general hawker fare. I am eating more healthily than I did before.
I don’t really know how I feel. Mostly in disbelief if not for the two positive tests I did before leaving for Singapore. (I knew it was necessary for me to take that second one!) There is no other real, tangible sign. I have not done an ultrasound scan (as I would prefer to begin my maternal healthcare in Sweden when I return), so I do not have a mental picture or a heartbeat to know for sure. I must be a firm believer in seeing is believing! I think life is beautiful and here is one growing inside of me. I feel unprepared and ready at the same time.
9 weeks this Thursday. The days are long, relaxing and slow here in Singapore, I have never felt this at ease and content on a trip back home. I have never looked forward to the end of my holiday as well, but it is different this time.